Your Grandma’s Honest Review of Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse

Hello everyone! My granddaughter told me that she was getting tired of reviewing so many superhero films already this year and wanted me to have a go at it. 

I would do anything for my grandbabies, so here I am writing to you beautiful people about this movie we watched called, Spider-Man Across the Bible Verse [Editor’s Note: the actual title is Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; will be edited with the correct title moving forward].

Now, I will be frank and say that despite the title, there are actually no Bible verses in this movie and that is the problem with this generation today. These young people are going around –

[Edited for clarity]

Although the total lack of Bible verses was strange, I understand that this is what’s hip nowadays so that is totally “bussin’” with me. I hope I’m using that word right… [Edit: She is not and don’t worry, we have discussed the appropriate usage of that word which is, never.]

Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse Review

Anyhow, I would like to start with the first thing I noticed in this movie, let me look at the first note I wrote down here… Give me a second while I fetch my reading glasses…

Ah, yes. With the level of technological advancement in this age, I was very disappointed with the visual quality of this film. 

Before we even meet any of the lovely characters, the screen starts glitching all over the place. I have not seen so much static since the 90s. 

I was on my way to go and ask the theater attendant if they had any antennas that needed adjusting so that we could get a clear signal. I did not pay good money to see this film with five of my grandbabies only to get static.

But my grandson told me that it was supposed to be that way and these young folks behind me started getting hussy so I sat back down.

I didn’t complain anymore about the atrocious inconsistencies in the visual quality. Sometimes they painted all the people blue, sometimes they displayed unfinished pencil drawings, sometimes they ripped the screen in half and had two different scenes going on. 

They’d even have animated characters face-to-face with real-life humans. What kind of witchcraft is that?!

It’s like someone could not make a decision behind the animation table. Watching this film is like going to an art museum with artists that range from 5 years old to da Vinci and mixing it all together like sour okra stew. 

Very strange combinations of art. I just don’t get it.

My grandson says that it’s supposed to look like a comic book and he showed me one of his. 

I will say, it makes a lot more sense after seeing that. But can we all agree, comics are not real literature? 

Real literature is Hemmingway. It’s Shakespeare. It’s the Bible, which again, they did not include one single time in this —

[Edited for clarity]

Alright, what’s next here… Ok, we’ll start with Gwen. So we meet this pretty little lady named Gwen (voiced by Hailee Steinfeld) and we learn her story. 

Unfortunately in her story, we don’t learn of her fixing what looks like a haircut done in a blender and getting rid of that scandalous pink color on her ends. 

We also learn that she makes it a habit to call adults by their first names which is a big no-no in my household. My children would be getting the spoon for that. 

But besides poor home training, Gwen is an absolute sweetheart who just needs a hug and a little more meat on her bones. 

Speaking of putting meat on some bones, we seem to transition to another version of Earth where there’s this naughty fella named Spot. 

He’s full of holes that make things travel from one place to another and he uses this strange power to steal and destroy. He is one step away from being the devil himself. 

Spot (voiced by Jason Schwartzman) doesn’t start off with a good hold on his powers though, being really clumsy. And I know why. That young man needs some more protein and vitamin D. His skinny legs can barely hold him up, it’s quite a shame. 

Once he gets a taste of my roast chicken and peach cobbler he will leave behind that life of crime and use his beefed-up legs to follow Jesus. Yes, he will. 

Having been watching Spot, our incredible Spider hero finally comes in to save the day, but not before he enjoys a savory Jamaican Pie. Now that’s a young man that’s got his priorities straight. 

Don’t want him passing out while trying to fight crime.

Miles (voiced by Shameik Moore) is a lovely young man with good morals. I don’t know why they gave him the last name of “Moraless.” Should be “Moralmore” but hey, they didn’t invite me to the writer’s room. 

If the writing was up to me, I would recommend in Part 2 of this film, for God to speak from heaven and change Mile’s last name just like he did for Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. If you’re reading this Marvelous Productions, I want a 10% cut for my brilliant ideas.

Anyhow, back to Miles, he is a good kid but he can be a bit rebellious at times since he has the responsibility of saving his city from crime while keeping this intel safe from his parents. 

His parents get fed up with Miles being late to important meetings and being altogether unreliable and ground him for a few months. 

If I were his mother, I don’t care that he’s 15, he would be getting the spoon. 

But his parents are a wonderful team to behold. It’s clear that Miles is loved and supported. His mother gives him a beautiful speech about making sure that no one makes him feel as though he doesn’t belong and I had to pull out my handkerchief because it reminded me of when I sent my kids off to college. 

Alright, what’s next here… Ok, so Gwen and Miles reunite and are able to travel to other worlds through this static that seems intentional at this point.

We meet so many Spider-People throughout this movie, I couldn’t write my notes fast enough. There’s this Miguel spider (voiced by Oscar Isaac) who seems to be a grumpy guy. I don’t know, there’s something sinister about him… I don’t trust him. He was mean to my baby Miles.

There’s Indian Spiderman, Pavitr (voiced by Karan Soni), who is one of the few characters in this film that looks sturdy and well-fed.

We also have father Peter Parker (voiced by Jack Quaid) who well near gave me a heart attack the way he was swinging around with his precious spider baby.

My least favorite Spiderman to meet though was named Hobie I believe (voiced by Daniel Kaluuya). I could not understand a word out of that man’s mouth. 

He was so rebellious and like a rock band leader. It reminded me of a Rock concert I went to with a friend in 1982. It was hot and crowded and there was way too much yelling. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of hell. 

That’s what Hobie reminds me of. 

But all of my grandkids loved that guy. They said he was cool and he helped save Miles so I guess I’ll cut him some slack for that. 

My favorite Spider-Person to meet was that pregnant Spider-woman, Jessica Drew (voiced by Issa Rae). Reminded me of when I was pregnant with my third baby. I had all the energy in the world. My last baby though – whoo! I could barely get out of bed let me tell you. It was 1987 and we had just moved to —

[Edited for clarity]

And that’s how my husband broke his pinky the second time.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yes! Watching that spider lady was inspiring cuz childbearing is no joke but she was whooping behind and riding motorcycles upside down like that baby was weightless. Now that’s a superhero.

There are more things that I want to expand on about the story but they would apparently be considered “Spoilt Beans” [Edit: Spoilers] or something like that if I say them and you haven’t watched the movie yet. 

So what I’ll do is summarize my overall thoughts here and finish off on my views of this Spider-People movie, [Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse]. 

Miles said a quote in this film that was extremely profound and I want to share it with you before I go and I don’t think it’ll spoil any beans for you. 

He says:

“Everyone keeps telling me how my story is supposed to go. Nah, Ima do my own thing.”

Miles Morales

Hmmmmm, now that’s a word. Ima do my own thing. 

See, in this life, you’re going to have to learn to stand in your power. I remember back in 1968 when I was 19 years old, trying to sell vanilla bean cakes to help take care of my family. Nobody even blinked in my direction when —

[Edited for clarity]

That is why it’s so important to believe in yourself despite the opposition. That’s exactly what Miles does in this movie. 

One thing I would be absolutely remiss if I do not mention is that the music in this film is so funky and I absolutely loved it. 

I was so close to getting up and showing the theater that these old hips still got it but I didn’t want anyone to start getting fussy with me again. 

This sweet film is also absolutely hilarious. There were so many moments that got the whole theater slapping knees. 

At one point, there was a youngster in another part of the theater who sounded like he was wheezing so hard from laughter. I wanted to give that young man some water and a pat on the back but I was too busy laughing at him myself. 

At times when the story felt a bit too emotionally stagnant, like there was just a lot of story-building happening and we weren’t sure where the hustle and tussle were coming from, I thought of squeezing in an afternoon nap or two. 

However, all of the spicy little built-up details lead to absolutely eye-opening climaxes and ultimately a clothes hanger [Edit: cliffhanger]. 

My grandbabies say they hadn’t seen a film end on such a tense note since they watched the Avenging Infinite Wars movie or something [Edit: Avengers: Infinity War].

After the movie, my grandbabies and I sat and talked for hours about all of the intricate little details in the film that explain how Miles landed in his unexpected role as Spiderman, how the other Spider people’s powers work, and how the different versions of Earth connect.

My contribution to the discussion was that I liked the big “comic book” onomatopoeias on the screen since the movie didn’t have subtitles. 

We all agreed that this movie warrants a second watch due to how many intricately woven, quick details come together like one of the big, colorful crochet blankets I make to keep my babies warm. 

My granddaughter told me to rate this spider film [Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse] out of 10 points. I initially wanted to give it 4 points out of 10.

Minus 3 points for no mention of the Bible, minus 1 point for the moments where I felt like taking a nap, minus 1 point for unfinished visuals, and minus 1 point for the malnourished characters. 

Apparently, my grandchildren think this rating is ridiculous. One of my grandsons almost threw a chair. He gave the film a 200/10, claiming it’s one of the best films he’s ever seen. 

My other grandson gave it a 10/10. 

And my granddaughters gave it an 8/10 simply because the plot took some time to really become engrossing. 

What I can say though for all of us, is that we are ecstatic for the next installment of this Spider-World saga [Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse]. And next time, I’m bringing some coconut rice and curry goat stew for everyone because these concession prices are getting too darn high. 

Back in my day, you only needed two dollars and you could —

[Edited for clarity]

But anyhow, thank you for reading my thoughts on Spider-People, A Cross, and Bible Verses [Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse]. I hope it helps you enjoy the movie in a new light.

Goodbye, precious people! 

Rating: 4/10 8/10

Do you agree with Grandma? What are your thoughts on Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse? Let me know in the comments below!

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Peace, love, and lots of popcorn,

IMO