Director: Matt Reeves
Date Created: 2022-03-04 00:00
While Batman was fighting crime, I was fighting sleep.
(not gonna lie, pretty proud of that opening line.)
But really though, I watched this movie with my brother and we practically just spent the whole time drinking Orange Fanta and nudging each other awake.
The Batman was bad.
Wrongfully persuaded by the glowing reviews circulating around yet another Batman movie, I took the plunge and bought the movie on Amazon for $30 of my hard-earned money.
I’m glad I was able to view the movie in the fullness of its cinematic quality, but disappointed that even at its best, it was really not that great.
Don’t be like me. Don’t be fooled by the misguided praise of The Batman. It’s a waste of time and money – and I’ll tell you why.
The Batman is a remake of the classic DC comic story this time focusing on Batman's (newly portrayed by Robert Pattinson) battle with the Riddler.
7 Reasons Why The Batman Was Bad
1. Pattinson Doesn’t Fit
Obviously, Robert Pattinson as Batman is the only aspect of this movie that makes it remotely interesting. Unfortunately though, Pattinson as Batman didn’t work for me.
Is it just me or did Robert Pattinson’s accent sound off at times?
Some moments I heard his British accent and sometimes he even sounded a bit country. There were definitely moments of dissonance where I was like – wait a minute, who is this? Oh yeah, it’s supposed to be Batman.
Another discrepancy with Pattinson is that it didn’t seem like he fully embodied Bruce Wayne as a holistic character.
Forgive me for digging up the past but he looked more like an emo vampire than a reclusive, old-money, rich politician.
My brother was the one who pointed out how Pattison’s hair didn’t match the Bruce Wayne vibe.
As Anna Delvey would say, he looked poor.
A little unkempt.
He looked like he lacked dignity and confidence. He didn’t hold the air of someone who came from money.
He was just a broody, boring Batguy the whole time. There was no distinction between Batman and Bruce Wayne which makes it quite unbelievable that his identity was a secret to most people.
2. The Characters are Shallow
I could not care less about Catwoman.
The movie had a whole 3 hours to introduce us to who these characters were and still, after all that time, they were complete strangers to me.
And even worse than that, they’re strangers that I have no interest in getting to know.
The only person I cared for was the black lady who was running for mayor and they had the audacity to have her shot.
3. Romantic Chemistry is Nonexistent
The kiss between Batman and Catwoman felt completely incorrect.
When they kissed for the first time I was like, why?
Why is this happening?
There is absolutely no chemistry between them, not even a friendship honestly.
There is no substance of any kind that this “romance” is leaning on.
It felt completely wrong, unnatural, and out of place.
I thought Catwoman was in a relationship with that lady she was looking out for but I guess she’s bi?? I literally don’t care. I am just so uninvested in the whole thing honestly.
The director, Matt Reeves, needs to take some lessons from Bridgerton on how to build sexual tension because that’s pretty important for a romance.
You don’t just kiss someone out of the blue because their face is within arm’s reach.
Ugh, just so annoying how poorly done the romance was.
It would have made so much more sense for them to have a platonic, strictly business, co-worker relationship.
Batman and Catwoman have NO chemistry.
4. The Script is Cringey & Subpar
Look, the writing was a bit lame.
It occasionally felt cringeworthy and unnatural.
In the very beginning when the gang of thugs asked Batman who he was, his response (after taking a few minutes to kick some behind) was (very dramatically), “I am vengeance.”
When I tell you, my brother and I were ROLLING!!
I know that line is not meant to be comedic but my goodness it was so cheesy.
Maybe I’m just a genius but I was figuring out the Riddler’s riddles faster than Batman. Lowkey proud of myself, high key feeling like the riddles weren’t giving “evil genius” enough. Too predictable.
A huge pet peeve of mine is the overuse of “Jesus” or “Jesus Christ” as exclamations by different characters.
Not only is it taking the Lord’s name in vain (forgive us Lord) but it’s also unnecessary filler language that doesn’t give each character nuance in their speech.
How is every single character going to react to being shocked with the same phrase? It’s just so unoriginal.
5. The Soundtrack is Overhyped
You will hear people rave about the soundtrack. Don’t fall for it. It’s fine but nothing life-changing.
I genuinely have nothing bad to say about the soundtrack but was I blown away by it like everyone said I would be? No.
It was basically just repeating 10 different variations of Ave Maria.
Like – cool, I guess but it doesn’t save the movie or raise the lifeless plot from the dead.
6. The Plot is Boring & Too Long
I spent the full 3-hour duration of this film waiting for it to get good.
If you ask me now, I don’t think I can fully elaborate on what even happens in this film honestly.
All the energy I spent just trying to stay awake kept me from having any energy to comprehend the plot.
This movie is WAY TOO LONG.
If you’re going to request 3 hours of my time you better make it flipping worth it and this movie did not do that at all. Literally had me dozing at 9:30 when my bedtime is not until 11 pm at least.
7. It Added Nothing of Value to the Batman Franchise
Tbh, just like I predicted, this version of Batman was a negligible addition to the Batman franchise.
It did not measure up to the Batman stories before it.
If you’re going to re-do something, then you gotta re-vamp it in a way that further elevates it. If the first batman was good, the next one has to be great.
It makes no sense to re-do the same story, only to make it worse.
The suckiest part of it all is that even though the quality of this movie is not on par with previous Batman stories, DC fans and superhero fans will still watch it and adore it out of character familiarity.
It’s easy money to put an already famous face with an already famous character and call it a day.
Frankly, because the creators of this movie leaned so much on DC fans and the familiarity of the actors and characters, they didn’t put any real effort into creating a quality story.
It’s lazy. It’s negligible.
It wasn’t ALL bad
There were some really impressive shots like the upside-down car crash with the fire and Batman’s silhouette being carved out by the fire.
That was cool.
There were probably some other cool shots as well but I don’t remember, and I don’t plan on re-watching to find out because I value my time.
And another thing that I liked about this film…
Yeah — I think that’s the full extent of the good things I have to say about the film.
I literally paid $30 good American dollars on this movie because of how strongly it was hyped by a lot of the reviews I’ve seen on Letterboxd, Instagram, and everywhere. So, the fact that I trusted them, even to the point of buying the movie at full price, only to be met with 3 hours of prying my eyes open was terribly disappointing.
The Batman was bad.
I did not feel the majesty that was felt by others. The profundity. I wasn’t moved. Wasn’t engrossed, wasn’t interested. Definitely disappointed.
Maybe watching episode 5 of Moon Knight right before watching this movie was a mistake cuz Moon Knight slaps! It’s so flipping good. But that also shows me that my mind was capable and willing to be sucked into a good story. The Batman just wasn’t that story for me.
What did you think of The Batman? Let me know in the comments below!
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Peace, love, and lots of popcorn,